Jesus Christ and Other Swear Words
Volume II, Anxiety Rainbow
Chapter 1,2 or 8, im not sure yet
A continuation of God’s story from Volume I
The Man wandered across the desert; only his shadow followed
For days he had walked
Across the desert sands of time
Dry Expanse; Waterless Lands; All Sun and No Shelter
The desert had always been cruel, this one was no different.
But it did feel special here
Almost like the first time….
Could it be? Could He be here?
The man closed his eyes and meditated on his higher senses. He felt a gentle pull and set walking in that direction.
And the feeling grew stronger...
The man continued walking, there was no end in sight. There never is, there never was.
A spark of hope he tries to starve
Its has been a long long time
The Man did not desire hope
The man sets the box down and sits to rest and pulls off his sandals
He grabs his goatskin waterpouch and drinks deeply.
Clasping it shut, he looks down.
Moseses feet were fucking gross
He puts his sandals back on and started again - onward, towards the feeling of The Hebe Tingle
Miles and Miles he walked
The sun sets and the moon rises.
Cayotee Howls and other desert noises
Miles and Miles more and more
Until the ground began to change
Glass glittered from the darkened earth
Brittle layers of frozen crystal across the surface of sand marked his every step
small spires of shimmering green rock dotted the landscape en guttaté
Moses scooped and studied these specimens. They resonated with God's power
He must be here
His Hebe Sense Tingled So FUCKIN HARD
Moses walked deeper into the enchanted desert embracing that ember of hope into a fire of a future Certain. HE IS HERE. I know it.
He imagined the Promised Land different, but God works in Mysterious Ways
Moses continued until he saw something on the horizon, it was difficult to make out, but seemed to stretch immeasurably
A barrier. Fence wrought of twisted metal adorned with spirals of deterring teeth. Attached to the chain links was a sign full of glyphs he could not read. A strange animal stood on top and watched him with one eye.
Moses stood puzzled for a few minutes before The Roaring Metal Beast came rushing to meet him. Out of its maw came two men
DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND HANDS ON THE GROUND HANDS ON TEH GROUND NOW!
Moses placed his box and his staff on the ground with gentle compliance
A large man dressed like a modern Machabee went to Moses and put a knee in his back
Moses was old and going nowhere
WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUT HERE!??
I was just caugh caugh walking
HOW DID YOU GET INSIDE?
Caugh get off me man, im old this hurts Caugh
The alphatrooper dug in deeper
CAGAGG IDIDNKTEVENKNOWIWASINSIDE ANDYTHING!
He's just a drifter, Cage.
Yea, but how the hell did he survive so long out here?
I dont know man, maybe he got lost at Burningman or something. Look at him. He's not a threat
Fine, Taze him and throw him in back
Cage unclips his Voltmaster 5000 and fires it up
ominous blue hue of white
“God!?” Were Moses last words
Moses wakes in a bed, bathed in a most hideous form of light. Moses would later come to know it as Fluorescent. He had just finished compartmentalizing the light anxiety when the door opened.
The Healer Aproached
Hello, my name is Doctor Briggs
Hello Doctor, My name is Moses. I don't remember getting here
Well Mr. Moses, im afraid I have some bad news for you.
You will want to lay all the way down for this.
Moses wiggles deeper into the firm hospital bed
Well Mr. Moses, you have Cancer, and Radiation Sickness
How can that be, i've never been sick in my whole long life!
Well, its complicated, but not really. Looks like you wandered through the wrong desert. You were dropped off in the Emergency Bay by an unmarked car. Left unconscious at our doorstep. No ID, only a walking stick and a Box no one could open. We ran a few tests and your vitals were all over our charts. We brought in a specialist and ran some new tests. Damn near broke our geiger counter. It was that rock you had on you that got me thinking. I sent it to the lab and it was authenticated ast Trinitite
Trinitite? Like the Holy Trinity?
You see Trinitite is a novel crystal cluster created by local mineralogy combined with a 8billionmegaton Nuclear Warhead detonated in the Nevada desert as part of the 1940’s Trinity Tests. You see Mr. Moses, I believe you somehow managed to miss all the fences and wandered straight through to the quarantine radiation zone. Do you remember seeing any fences?
No, I didnt see any fences
So I have cancer?
You are going to die Mr. Moses and its not going to be pleasant. I want to be real with you. Short of a miracle this is an absolute certainty. I estimate you have about 6 months to live with no treatment
So there's a cure?
Yes and No
Best I can do for you Mr. Moses is put you on the most babybitch drugs with no extra help, followup, and no emotional support offered of any kind. The plan will be designed by our most overworked doctors. They most likely have your correct chart, but this is a busy hospital.Treatment will cost you two years salary and if you die, you still have to pay.
How will you collect if im dead?
Oh, well just go for your children's money
I don't have any children left
Dont worry, well find someone to collect from
There aren't any other options?
Well not for you sir
What do you mean not for me? Is it because im Jewish?
NO NO NO nothing like that. Its because you are poor
Your saying if I had money I could get the treatment
Yes and if I had a bigger dick maybe she wouldnt have left me
Too little too late, unless you got a best friend Billionaire or something really valuable sittin in that box you've been carrying, It just ain't gonna happen buddy. Sorry to hit you with The Real like this, but You have no assets to leverage and your healthcare only covers the almost-basic-treatment Plan.
It's not completely terrible, I mean it has most of the corners of a good health plan. You could probably get like an extra 4 or 5 months out of your life feeling like shit and consumed by the anxiety of your crumbling life with absolutely zero emotional support.
Moses begins to weep. Why? I was so Good. I did everything he asked. Eons i have served. Why, why me?
“You shouldnt have breathed the air” said the doctor
SHOULD NOT HAVE BREATHED THE AIR!?
THEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I GET SICK FROM BREATHING THE AIR. WE ALL BREATHE THE SAME AIR, IDIOT, YOUR TELLING ME ONLY THE WEALTHY CAN AFFORD TO SURVIVE IT?
I'd like to recommend you to a community group that meets on Wednesdays. Its filled with people who breathed the wrong air and got sick. You'll fit right in! It's a cool community, very diverse. Well racially diverse at least. They are all poor people like you. Come from all over! They've got city sickers sick from breathing city air, we've got rural Poors sick from breathing local industry emissions. Hell! They've even got a few x-men like you! So many people went to chernobyl after that HBO series. Have you seen it? Fantastic show.
Moses stormed out of the office furious.
The doctor stood dumbfounded, he could have sworn that man’s walking stick hissed at him
The fuck is going on in this world? Moses felt so angry and so weak. His skin felt loose.
He took a left and another left and a right. Stop. Moses stood paralyzed in awe. A city of glittering lights. He strangely recognized some of it. The Sphinx at least…. What is this place?
Sodom, Gamora? There was Sin everywhere.
All manner of freaks and misfits danced and sang
ScarletWomen walked the streets
Men stumbled in drunken stoopers clutching handfuls of money with greed in their eyes
Moses surveyed the sinscape and looked up to a sign illuminated in the devil’s red radiance
Viva Las Vegas!
Perfect, crisp, clean, refreshment to his tired eyes
Moses stumbles forward towards the gently swaying palm trees
The sounds of revel and laughter drift closer
Moses was exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally
He shouldered his burden and continued forward as he had done for Millenia
The box was heavy, the responsibility heavier
Moses approached the Oasis ready for reprieve
Just a small break from his endless toil
But one man’s paradise is another's punishment
The Beat Drops
“DJ KHALED! WELCOME TO THE PAAAAAALMS”
“I SAID DJ KHALED INDAHOUS!”
The beat shifts
“Whatsup Party PEOPLLLLLLLLLLLLL”
screams the crowd, splashing in excitement at The Palms Las Vegas infamous White Pool party.
HOW WE DOING TODAY!
I LOVE LAS VEGAS!!!!
Moses grabbed a seat by the pool and whispered to a perky blonde
“I wished we had the mercy of your people. In my day we just killed the Idiots at birth.”
“What?” She responds
I said we used to kill people like him in my country
Oh Kewwwlll, where are you from?
A long long way from here, Moses Replied
She was turned on by his mysterio
Whats in the box? She inquired reaching a hand out
His authority was even hotter
Why not? She bats her eyes
It is not meant for your eyes, as beautiful as they are
HNNNN, Your Cute for an old guy. Whats your name?
“My name is Mo/……. They Call me the Wanderer
No man is beyond the temptation of perky tits
“Wander Me, Daddy” she says biting her lip
Moses leans back into the pool lounger and pulls her into the nook, cradled to his chest, he feels like a man. Arm around her, Moses kicks his feet up
I uhhh, I gotta go
The youthful blonde grabbed her microclutch and walked away in haste
Moses was puzzled, he thought he was spitting some pretty good game, but it has been a long time. Moses was baking in the heat. He took off his sandals and dropped his robe. His linen pantaloons covered his matzaballs (you're a pervert).
He walked the outside of the pool towards a ladder. Whispers of disgust follow him
The rich and beautiful people dressed in all-white trained their eyes and followed his old leathery cracked and calloused gross nasty moses feet.
One foot down the ladder and a panic starts
GET OUT OF THE POOL ERIC!
JUST FUCKING LEAVE IT!
TIMMY, WHERE IS TIMMY!?
Moses waded forward, parting the Party Sea
Waist deep in the water, He pushed off from the ground and floated on his back, gliding across the pool, his leather swampPiggies breaching the surface.
DOES HE STILL HAVE HIS SHOES ON??
THOSE ARE FEET!?
POL-O’what the FUCK MAN!
Moses splished and splashed until security came over
Sir, your existence is stressing our guests and damaging our reputation. Im going to have to ask you to leave
This is an Oasis! What gives you the right to kick me out??
Sir, this is The Palms. A private enterprise and we reserve the right to cater to a specific image. One that you do not fit.
But im not hurting anybody?
Its not about that sir, we simply cannot allow you people to dirty our image
YOU PEOPLE? Is this because im Jewish??
Sir, im Jewish. We are kicking you out because you are poor and gross - he said redundantly
That's not very Jewish of you. How about a little compassion man. Im tired, im exhausted, I just found out I have cancer. Let me just have one nice thing.
Look man, dont make this hard. Its not my call. I just work here. I got bills to pay. If it were up to me, you could stay and play, but its not. Now please exit the pool. Also, your feet are fucking nasty man, go get a pedicure. Sorry about the cancer
Moses exited the pool and pulled on his tunic. He grabbed his staff and his box and left The Palms with a bitter taste in his mouth.
Man, Vegas fucking sucks if youre poor, he thought
NO FUCKIN WAY!!
You look great man, Radiant!
Ive wandered the desert for 30000 years.
I searched for you across The Oceans of Time and Water.
Countries and continents uncountable.
Across the shifting landscapes and rise and fall of empires.
And you are here!?
Performing magic on the Vegas Strip.
What the fuck dude.
Haha hang on buddy, customers.
Laaaadies! Step forward, behold the magic of Divine
A group of excited tourists stop and cluster
God flurls his robes in dramatic showmanship, stepping towards the group.
What are you doing here?
Long story man, but ye, just got back from Burningman
needed to make some money, figure I could put my talents to good use.
Entertaining drunks and sinners is good use?
Dude, this world is broken. People are hurting.
I am hurting. God, I need your help. Im sick.
To the backs of a dozen Iphones, God performed his tricks.
Finger snaps and a rabbit appears as if from nowhere
Yo bro, tag me in that
its @BeerandCabfare - God says to a young man
Sure thing mister, whats your performer name?
Call me…. God.
A little on the nose their dont ya think? Said Moses
Couldnt have gone with something more subtle?
Hah, what, like Chris Angel?
God, I really need to talk with y…..
“Say My Name”
Chris Angel Steps from nowhere
Howd yall like to see some real MAGIC!!!!
The crowd goes ballistic. The young man deletes his Snapchat of God, unposted and readies his camera for the Real Show.
Hey buddy, this is my corner man
“My Magic Knows No Bounds!”
Barks Chris Angel as sparks erupt all around him
His muscular arms rise in dramatic gesture
Comeon man, im just here trying to make a buck
Youve got your own club show and everything
Leave some for the rest of us..
God, can we please leave
I have a real problem
A buck you say?
Chris Angle Reaches into God’s donation box
He removes a single dollar bill
In a blink he crushes the bill in his fist and opens his palm to 4 quarters
HOLY SHIT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?
I Have Cancer
BECAUSE I AM THE MAAAAGIIIC
He held the last two syllables for a long time
More Sparkles around Chris Angel
Whatcha got, Old Man?
“MAGIC FIGHT!” ERUPTS FROM THE CROWD
SO MANY IPHONES STAND READY TO WATCH
God readies himself and channels his energy. He tries his best to be a showman
Arms straight in a Jesus Christ Pose, God twirls like a helicopter. Faster and faster and faster and faster. The blurr of swirling robes obfuscates the vision of the crowd.
God tucks his arms into his chest, spinning faster and faster, like Tonya Harding.
He arrests his motion in a violent stop and before the crowd, stands tall with TWO rabbits in his arms
“You did that one already”
The crowd is meh
Chris Angel claps
an echo of thunder reverbs across the street
God’s Rabbits are now in his arms
What the….. How the…..?. GIMME BACK MY RABBITS!
But how will you hold them?
With Your Hands…
Chris Angel removes his Sunglasses
God looks to his hands. They are shackled in cuffs.
IMPOSSIBLE! What are you, Witch?
Thank you, Ladies and Gentelman,
Come visit me at the Palms anytime
The Crowd goes Nuts
They stay wanting more
God is Furious
Unchain me, Demon
Sure thing buddy, $5 Bucks
God struggles to break the chains impotently
Just pay the man,
God, I need you
God reaches towards his collection bowl, but it sits empty
Chris Angel fans God’s money in his hands
He closes his fists around the bills and they disappear completely
Lose your Bus money, bitch?
Ok, now your just being mean man. Let me go and give me my money back
Let you go from what?
Chris’s Eyes Dart towards God's hands
God looks down and the shackles are gone
His hands are empty and free
He looks up and Chris Angel is holding The Box of Moses
I wonder what we have here?
It feels old, heavy, powerful
Give that back man
What an asshole
Seriously, give that back to me
Its fine, he cant open it
Oh, Cant I?
No Lock can stop Chris Angel!
You don't know what you are doing
Let him do it, Fuck this guy
Put it down man
DO NOT OPEN THAT BOX
I think I will
For the sake of your soul
DO NOT OPEN IT
Open it, pussy
Chris Angel Studies the box intensely
The focus of his eyeliner ringed gaze is HOT
Moses steps forward and pounds his Staff into the ground
The skies darken and the ancient wood transfigures to a living serpent
OH SHIT! yells the crowd in excitement
So many snapchats, a hotspot registers on the Snapchat social media map
Put it down! Now.
This is your last warning
Open the box, pussy
Chris Angel looks up from the box
I see this is important to you
Ill give it back
Dude, just shut the fuck up
This is important
Chris Angel stretches his arms out and offers the box to Moses
He yanks it back out of reach
Slaps the top
Whaps the Side
OOOOO SHIIT HERE WE GO
Flicks the lock with a dose of razzle and dazzle
ITS THE ARK OF THE COVENA...
It was too late
Indiana Jones got it Right
A torrent of divine light erupts from the ancient chest
Spooky ghosts come streaming out, melting the faces of everyone in the crowd
Chris Angel protects himself for a moment, shielding his mortality with a barrier of magic
The blinding light becomes even blindy-er
Chris Angel's Nailpolish starts to chip and flake in the wake of power
His barrier fails and his face melts too
He flakes away in a handful of dust, leaving behind nothing but a pair of 30x38 black skinny jeans
AH Jesus man
Moses eyes the scene with horror
Quick, grab their watches, lets get out of here!
Why did you encourage him?
Man fuck that guy, he had it coming
It wasnt just him, God.
A lot of people just died
Ill make more
Can you? Some turd in skinny jeans just made an ass out of you
Well actually you made an ass out of you, but how did you get served by some mascara magician?
I dont know man, somethings wrong with my powers
I can only seem to make snap bunnies
God Snaps and a BunBun sits in his lap
MY FUCKING LUCK
When I actually need you
You cant do shit to help me
I can help!
How? Bunnies aint gonna fix me bud
I have cancer
I work in Mysterious Ways
Ye, I get that man
Just Keep the Faith and God will sort it out
But we have a different relationship, i'm not just another believer
I served you, I helped you people, I helped the world
I need a real miracle, I cant wait. They say i have less than 6 months
No, I work at Mysterious Ways - its a Magic Shop on 3rd.
The boss likes me. I could probably get you a job. $15.hr to start.
Im looking at $100,000 for a base level treatment, God
Thats not going to cut it
I dont know what to tell you man
Ya it fucking sucks. You know what else sucks?
The Almighty, the Man Ive served for thousands of years
Is acting like a real piece of shit
What are you even doing here?
The Worlds on Fire
Your Son sits in Prison.
Go find your son!
Quit skirting your responsiblity and Man the Fuck up, God.
Thats what im trying to do!
But the for-profit prison is getting rid of in-person visits
They claim its to clamp down on contraband
They only allow video calls and charge $2 a minute
Jesus doesnt want to talk to me anyway
He makes $0.22 an hour cleaning litter in a chain-gain on the highway, he's not about to waste a days work for a minute with me
You are goddamn God Almighty
Just go Get him
I dont even know if hes actually my kid.
I mean he just showed up one day, saying he is, but what if hes not?
Whethere he is or is not is not the point. Hes a good kid. He did a lot of great things. He helped to teach the world an important message of compassion and understanding. Whether he is the son of god or not, you owe him your help. You created this whole damn thing. You need to start taking responsibility, God.
But I am so tired
You know what
Fuck you, fuck your box, fuck your mysterious ways
Im done. You hear me? I am done
Moses Grabs his Staff
What about the Ark of The Covenant?
They used to call me Hero
he eyed the clumps of hair in the drain
They listened to me, respected me
the tap streams steady
I did it all for THEM. For HIM.
scalp lathered in rich cream
I gave it all in a War forgotten
The Water is Warm
My sacrifice, forgotten
The Blade is Cool
My life, forgotten
Moses took the choice before cancer took it from him
My whole life in the service of mankind. In service of Justice and Freedom.
In Service of Him.
Put my body, my heart, my soul on the line.
Led the people, fought for the people, gave it all for the people
And now they think me Nothing. No one. Nobody.
Cast aside to be the dying old Man.
My journey hollowed, my sacrifice emptied. Why?
I am abandoned by the people I served
But I will make them remember
Moses stared himself in the eyes thru the mirrors reflection. A thin knick of blood adorned the top of his shaved skull. His eyes were yellowed from the sickness, but his gaze was steady, resolved, unshakable. Moses made a new Covenant. A pact with himself
“I will make them Remember everything.”
There is life in me yet.
To be continued…..
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